Loneliness.

Carl Jung says "loneliness does not come from having no people around one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible".

I haven't been communicating for the sake of: 1) wanting to (forcing myself to) experience and enjoy companionable silence, 2) having an excuse for my asocial behaviour, inability to share my views with others as of late.

(One must first understand my fear of silence when I'm with another. I feel silence is a gage of level of closeness, the amount of ideas/feelings two can communicate to each other)

I have lost my ability to communicate with others and allowed myself to not be engaged in conversations with others at all, thinking, 'it's okay, silence is okay'. Let myself slip into the 'asocial mode' and tell them 'yeah, don't feel like talking today'. Is silence really okay? Is it a sign of disrespect? Even with my closest friend, I don't like it all that much. I'd rather be alone.

I was extremely silent, lost in my own world. Didn't show my friend respect by checking my phone constantly, disengaged. Before we met, there were many things I wanted to ask. Not when I was in front of him. And also the very last day I met up with sarah, though we felt ok because we could normally talk.

It's so difficult to communicate ideas, thoughts, feelings. Expressing is easy, but communication is not. My thoughts are only revealed here, and when i am with sarah. these days, at least. but she is overseas. and lately, I haven't been expressing myself enough to let others know what i am thinking and reach out to me. (Really appreciated those who reached out to me). There's a question left unanswered: why am I so afraid to ask people personal questions about themselves?

I've been lonely these days. So much to say, but no one to say it to. It's not others' fault. I just feel like I can't talk to anyone without feeling selfish, self-absorbed. I can't contribute to anybody's life right now, can't afford to hang out with them often. If I want someone to talk to, it's this need to share my thoughts like carl jung said. It's similar to ranting, just not emotional ranting. It's not fair to them because they are busy to and I can't always receive from others without giving.

I'm bad at communicating and might end up merely expressing myself and that isn't desirable. it's better that I keep to myself isn't it. people like spending time with their friends, to engage in intellectual discussions, not listen to rants.

I don't want to be ranting about life to my friend who might be feeling alone herself. I don't want my other friend to feel made use of. And my other friend who is going through the same thing as I am. And I haven't been comfortable talking to anybody else.

My friend said the reason why we communicate is because we are social animals and there is no answer to that. Right now, I am expressing myself to nobody in particular and it feels better to type all these out to my blog because I just need to be clear of what I am thinking, and get things out of my system. Doing this because I can't communicate and can only express.

My heart will not be still. Tried forcing myself to concentrate but I can't. I hope I'll feel better after this and dive right back into my books.